Monday 2 June 2014

ICW - Jimmy Nail's Revenge

Disclaimer: I wrote this half-asleep and in a rambling mood on the drive back from Newcastle. Published more for amusement than anything else.

Sunday, June 1st - Riverside Nightclub, The Close, Newcastle, NE1 3RQ

First match wis Wolfgang BT, what the actual fuck, Darkside and Renfrew came out, briefcase got fucked and BT won.... Second match was CARFUCKINGMEL and Bad Boy Liam who of course won over Stevie Boy and KLR. "Great" KayLee was not happy but, Y'know wit?! When you get pinned aff CarFuckingMel in London you might as well hand her the belts. #CarmelCorner. Third match up was Damo v Joe Coffey with Joe Hendry as Special Guest Referee. Can I take a second to say something? Fuck Jackie Polo on commentary. Anyway, Joe Hendry graciously allowed Kenny some screen time. See, the Global Hero has hit the big stage harder than the Emmulation. So Kenneth Is The Bollocks hit the stage and got changed faster than I did when @SammieCochrane made my "Carmel Jacob Guy" tshirt. A hard fought contest ensued with Joe "Iron Man" Coffey winning through no fast counts from Joe Hendry, and the two left fir a pair of pints. Newcastle, mate . Lovely. Next up was our first half main event.....

Jimmy Havoc (who bled just chanting his name) v Chris Renfrew. Now, I thought this was 3x 5minute rounds which is highly respectable, but it turns out these sick fucks wanted 5x 3minute rounds. By my count, Jimmy "Bleeding" Havoc was up 1-0 near the end of the fight, but apparently Renfrew had it 1-1. Time was called, BT came through the crowd with a Man Utd top on, and Darkside appeared fae wherever Undertaker keeps his tumblers, and Renfrew declared himself the winner for whatever fucking reason. Havoc (horizontally) delivered a promo that essentially, slurringly, amounted to "lets dae this again", and hauf time was called. Now, a bunch of negative shite normally gets published about our crowds, but on the whole Newcastle where fan-fucking-tastic, so let's leave it at that....

So (after Dallas and Toal inform us we'll be back, yassssss * FUCK LONDON *), we had Darkside v Noam Dar. Now, I don't need to tell you, Noam Dar is the fucking future, and Darkside for all his "Wee Fat Taz" shite is all the fucking bollocks, this match was sterling. Am no gonna fuck aboot, Noam Dar passed out and that's all there is to it. You give me these two, in any capacity, you get my $10 a month. You don't? Fuck the Network. I digress. The future, the franchise, the shit. Speaking of, out comes Polo "Coffey Could Do Better" Promotions v Grado & Mossy. Am not too sure why Johnny Moss is back in ICW, and I don't care. A stauner of a match with plenty of crowd interaction leads to a winner for Stevenson's finest. No sure if Mossy took exception to Grado "stealing" the win, or if he'd planned it all along, but yer man with the "rage" took it oot on our Greggs munching finest. Yeeps, kapow, where's ma glasses Velma? After aw that we had Devitt v Jester. Look, if ye wurnae there, fuck ye. Devitt is a legend, a living specimen of a man, and even though he tried to destroy my burd's car, he deserved 6 hours of yer time for a round trip. Jester won with few shenanigans, that's all yer getting. We gret our fucking eyes out and the bloke is off to WWE. The gist?

Car-Fucking-Mel, Noam Dar and Kenny are the future, Newcastle is relatively sound, and I miss Prince Devitt already. I touched his shoulder and am getting that finger embalmed. Thank you very fucking much....

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